the guys in my life…

so, ive never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or kissed. or held hands. and i dont care. its awesome. my heart has never been broken. which is awesome. and i still love some AMAZING guys in my life. they have shaped me into the woman i am today. there arnt many non-related guys i can freely say “i love you” to, becuase that phrase has soooo much to it. but there are some who i dont worry about, becuase they will never take my heart and crush it or burn it or make me feel terrible in that kind of way.

God slash Jesus slash Holy Spirit.
kinda self explaitory. if someone can save my life everyday, and take back all of my mistakes. he wins my heart. forever.

My Daddy.
Im spoiled. the baby and the only girl. hes a pretty awesome dad. always beliving in me more than i believe in my self. always telling me to follow my dreams, and supporting me no matter what. His influence in my life has definetly been positive, and i couldnt have ask God for a better daddy. never.

My big brother.
my hero. the boy i have looked up to since the day i was born. i always wanted to be just like him. although we are greatly different, he is one of my favorite people in the world. he understands me. he gives me hugs. he listens to me. he love me more than any boy in this world ever will. he got my back, and i still think hes soooo coool. he holds my heart, and i feel deeply sorry for my future boyfriend/husband who has to get through him.

Kawelo.
my first baby. in 1998, the first cousin since tiani was born. i feel in love with him while he was still in the tummy. i was 8, and i already was talking to my auntys tummy. when i held him for the first time, it was like the world stopped, and it was magic. we clicked since he was a baby. when he was 1, 2, 3, 4-the baby years, i did so much with him. i always always gave him hugs, kisses,held his hand, and he was always in my lap, in my arms, returning the love. hes turning 11 this year, and that scared the heck out of me. the love i have for him is like no other love ive ever had in my entire life. i still love cuddling with him, giving him hugs, and kisses, and holding his hand when we cross the road. hes my baby boy. always will be. it will scare me when he hits high school. in a few years, he will stop sitting on my lap, be taller than me, and not let me hug or kiss him in public. it will be sad.

trey boy.
i talked to this baby in the tummy on a weekly basis. I love him sooooooooooooooooooo much. this baby. oh my goodness. he. fills me with so much joy, and pride, and happiness. he heals my soul, and brings me happiness everytime i see him or even think of him. when he was born, and i held him for the first time, my heart burst! he makes me want to be a better person! he makes me want to be the best aunty in the entire world. i love him more than i love myself. i would lay my life down 1000 times. i would give up anything for him. i would give up my sign, my arms, and my legs if just to let him breath even once more than me. hes three now, and wont let me call him baby. but he prays for me at night, and its good to know someone who takes the place of my whole heart thinks about me too. hes gonna grow fast. but i pray not to fast. i love him so much.

Grandpa herb
i want my husband to be just like him. funny, and loving, and kind, and smart, and strong. surfs and golfs. loves and cares for his wive 40 years latter. adores his grand kids like no other grandfather i have ever met. hes so cool too! he rides big roller coasters and will try ANYTHING at least once. i mean will eat bugs, and bungi jump! hes the coolest grandpa, and i hope my husband is like him. handsome, blissful, responsible, compassionate, a little worry wart, but just plain awesome…yes, and i will say it again, i hope my husband is just like him.

Grandpa uchi.
born in 1909 (100 yeasr ago) if i start talking about my great grandpa of 99 3/4 years old, im gonna start crying. hes still alive. and pretty healthy. but old. i would like to think hes invincible, and that he will survive me. but he wont. all i can do is cherish the time i have left, and listen to the stories of how he could get lunch for a penny in 1919. or how he escaped his death in WWII by working for a candy/cigar company. or how he used to feed sugar cane to the horses the pulled the chrioits, before there was cars in hawaii, and earm a penny, which could buy him 10 comic books. he taught me all lifes most valuble lessons: haste makes waste, study hard, be good to your grandparents and parents, have good manners, take care of your garden, stay active, and DRINK NONI! i love him…

mathew david.
my best friend. hes one of my soul mates. when i met him, it was pretty much like i knew him forever. hes my tiwn, and my best friend. my brother. i love him soooo much. and i appriciate everything he does. he makes me laugh, and always down for an adventure. he makes me remember what it means to have an imagination, or just be a kid. he makes me a better person, and encourages me with my walk with god. he gets me, and puts up with the ugly side of me. hes awesome. whoever lucky girl gets him needs to pass me first. if you ant good enough for matty, dont even try, ya heard? i love you matty poo.

Jeremy Pillar.
my favorite lil 10th grade boy. i have sooooo much love for this kid. he god a special palce in my heart. i dont even know why. ive only known him for a little over a year. i barely know him anymore!! but hes my lil bro (taller than me) my heart is just filled with love for him. God put him in my life for a reason. but, dang he is constantly breaking my heart! hes mean, and teases me, and is sarcastic to me-everything a little brother should be! but at the end of the day, i know he loves me…and i love him. i absolutly love when he reads to me! if i could, id adopt him! he is one of the few non-related boys that i can actually say “i love you” without worrying. he will break my heart a million times, but like a lil bro.  i know he got my back for when my heart gets really broken. he will be there for me.

thus is my life.

today I was cyber bullied by some skinny butt 14 year old.

she said “oh yeah hunni, you are pretty fat, ewww its really gross. you need to start working out cuz its just ewww.id cry to your gross”

the former me wouldnt like the new me

who i am hates who ive become.

if who i was saw who i am now, i wouldnt like me very much

im not who i really am.

look at you. or who youve become. a wreck. a mess in the making.
drowning in your own sorrow. like they say, its too late to apologize.
and you cant compromize. so just do it. change it. be it. caught in the
nostalgia. stuck in the “what was. get out. become it. think it. believe it.
faded memories like the faded jeans you pull off. whoa. intesity. bluffs
stop just being to be. start LIVING to be alive. what makes you feel alive
is it hearing your own breath? or is it feeling your heart pound against mine?
feeling the rush and sensation of tubling in the bed of the sea. every wave like
the sheets.

and that my friend(s) is me being random.

just great ( a sarcastic remark)

so how did i get caught in this?

its just a song. i love her as much as i love you

see i cant choose.

my loyalty lies in my gender, my small group, my accountability sister.

but i owe you so much. and i love you like i love my own brother. and thats a whole lot because my brother is my favorite person in the world.

you need to not worry, and you, girly need to not be scared.

and you both need to talk. i hate being in the middle. ignorance is bliss and i wish i was ignorant in this.

new year. new me. (freshman fifteen)

Hello to the world who doesn’t know me

so I’ve done it. I gained the “freshman fifteen” that all college freshman are either immune or not immune to. unfortunately I got the latter half. This has bugged me fore a while. And it still does. But you know what i say to that? it ’s okay, just gottah move on. im going to lose it. i mean sure it will take hard work, and maybe six months, but hey, that means by summer i have have a kick butt body again. and go to the beach without feeling insecure.

anyways. i only have two more days in this year (thank Goodness, im so over this crappy year, tho it had good moments, it was crappy) anyways i’ve decided that i want a superly awesome great year with good moments in 2009. here are things i want to see changes in

1. do my devo’s every day (i know this is a stretch but close to everyday is fine too)

2. join a small group/start my own

3. workout everyday!!!!

4. go to dance again

5. GO BACK TO AMPLIFY

6. read like five awesome books that will impact my life.

7. be the light of Jesus to someone.

8. play worship again.

9. get good grades WITHOUT isolating myself from my friends

10. missions trip

11. road trip.

12. disneyland (ben owes)

13. be happy on my birthday.

14. loose 15 pounds!!!!

15. massage my mom every night.

living life lonely.

i am surrounded by the most amazing friends BEST FRIENDS in the world! i have an awesome supportive family. why then do i always feel sooooo lonely?!?! everyday i fell like there is no one in the world to hang out with, or anyone who will listen to me, or anyone who WANTS to be MY best friend.

i know this is all lies, but i cant help but feeling this way. every since i started school, i felt like i have drifted away from my friends, and they moved on without me. i feel like they have become closer and closer and im all alone.  i feel so yucky inside. i dont like it

43 days, 3 hours, 3 minutes

Im turning 18 in 43 days.

I thought it was gonna feel better than this. When i was 14, i thought I would go boy crazy. I thought that Forsure there would be a guy i wanted and on my birthday i would be like. shoot, i can date you know, so lets date! but there is no boy. and i honestly couldn’t be happier.

i though i was gonna go crazy clubbing, and party with the big kids.
but i have no desire for that, and i couldn’t be happier. i couldn’t wait to turn legal.

but now i wish i could turn back time. go back to being 14 or 15. the GOLDEN YEARS. whoever said that college was the best years of your life obviously doesn’t remember being in high school. i wish i was happier but im not.

i just want a sleepover with my girls and to sign a paper without my mom’s signature!

amplify your life away

exsaustion, dreary, weak, unrested, irritable, tired
excitment, passion, joy, priud, fire, compassion

this is the aftermath of the life of being a camp leader.
camp consoler, camp mama, slave, call it what you want.

amplify had their spring break camp. 3 days (more like 2) of non stop jr high kids. this isnt just some “send your kids away for a few days” its a “god is gonna change my kids life this week” kind of camps. its a Chrsitian camp, a place where GOD SHOWS UP. ive been here before, many many times..

i just came back from camp a few days ago. i am definetly not recovered from it yet. it pushes you to the ends of your rope, streches you way past the point where you think you can be stretched no more, and leaves you exasperated just five hours into the first day. but yet it is the most exciting, rewarding, God filling, passion building, cant wait to do it again kind of week you could ever had.

6th camp as a leader and my 16th camp altogether. and every time, no matter how sick or tired or sick & tired i am, i never ever back down from doing it. i love them. camps are my life, and besides Jesus then eating camps are the soul reason why i live. im a camp junkie i admit.

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